Does it get easier? and why do I look like you?

I start a new job on Wednesday, which means I've left my current job. The job I got when I moved home from Japan and moved in with my mum and her man. My mum was always so instrumental in my job life, of course she was, just like her influence in every other part of my life. As I prepared for my first and then second interview for this new job I was longing for her guidance and reassurance. What should I wear? Why am I so nervous? Is this really a good idea?
It's still so painful sometimes. I just want her here. I didn't have any intentions of this blog being post after post of sadness but it seems to be turning into that.
Also I've gained some weight and have developed an issue with food and I know it's an issue. I'm not eating because I'm hungry I'm eating for comfort;to fill the loneliness. I'm hoping my new career venture will help me shrug off some of this lethargy and create a new zest for life.
But for now I'm going to make some popcorn and play some video games, might as well have a sugary soda too!
it will get better....and yes that's a wish not a certainty.

Things She's Missed and I've Missed Sharing with her

I find since mum died I keep a Rolodex in my head of things that have happened since she passed away. It feels like a similar type of categorizing that my brain did when my parents divorced while I was in my second year of university. The list then was comprised of all the things I was now experiencing with "two" parents (as in separate and not together). There was the first Christmas with separated parents, Birthdays, BB Q's, Game Nights-you get the idea.
Mum died on December 5Th so it wasn't long before I experienced my first Christmas without her, but now over 3 years later I'm still cataloging all the things she hasn't been here for. This is the list and for some reason I have a need to create a hard copy of it. Maybe I need to get it out of my head. Maybe the list is getting too long for me to remember without writing it down. here goes- I will try to keep it chronological but I don't know if I can.
*Your mother died (my grandmother, 4 months after you-do you know this?)
*Your brother died (my uncle, 7 months after you-do you know this? or is his spirit being punished?)
*Moved to a new apartment
*Got a SUV
*Michael Jackson died (this was a big one and you know why mum-I know you would've been watching the funeral with me-as it turned out, I had to watch it alone with some jeers from others about my tears)
*Wrote to Rebecca Wells and she responded! Told her how her stories were the only things you enjoyed reading when you were bedridden. She'll forever be in my heart and yours I'm sure
*Got a cat (he's the best cat in the whole world-you would be in love with him)
*Meg's dad died (once again do you already know this? or is he with Don?)
*Quit smoking (I'm at 11 months right now with no cheats!)
*Ruby was baptized (and it was a Mother's Day service-yup I cried in the church even though I was the godmother-I think most people thought I was teary about being a godmother-only a couple people knew I was crying over you)
*Had many ups and downs at work that I desperately needed your advice and comfort on.
*Had a stomach ulcer
*Twisted both my ankles
*Started working out at your old gym (your name is on the wall in memoriam-didn't even know when I joined)
*Took several trips to Montreal, Cuba and the East Coast
*Went to the "Anne of Green Gables" house (you know that was HUGE for me)
*Stayed at the same hotel as Juliette Lewis and went to her rock show for free; we got on the guest list (I remember you really liked her especially in "The Other Sister" and "What's Eating Gilbert Grape")
*Became a video game junkie and love playing violent first person shooter games
*Moved to a house (still renting)
*Got another cat (you would love her too-she's so sweet and slightly spacey)

I realize as I write this that you do know these things mum. I just wish you were physically here by my side to have gone through them with me.
Now I have my list.

Thanksgiving....

Thanksgiving 2005 was the last time I saw my Mom alive. I knew things were not going well for her when I visited her and had an eerie sense that would be the last time I saw her.... which turned out to be true. Thanksgiving also stirs up memories of my father because when I was 10 after a bad incident Thanksgiving weekend, my Mom and I finally left him. Now he is gone as well and ofcourse there are sad memories because of these circumstances but I am SO extremely grateful for my friends and family, especially at a time like this, they get me through.
Meg

Missing my "mommy"

So I have been fighting a viral bug the last few weeks and 2 weeks ago I was off for two days. My boss was pretty amazing and called one day to ask if I needed soup, do I need anything, and she said she could not help it because she is a mom. I missed my mom so much in that moment because we know how sooky we can feel when we are sick and want our mommies to take care of us. I remember my mom would send me care packages when I was sick because she was not close by-I would give anything to have that and her here looking after me.
Meg

lag.....

Hey sister,

We need to write more-I know I have been super busy and dealing with a lot of stuff but I will make an effort to write again soon
XOXO
Meg

Goldilocks Misses Mama Bear's Shopping Style

I know from friends that shopping with their mums is not always the greatest. There are mums who are overbearing in their adult daughter's fashion choices. There are mums who really don't like shopping, so the entire excursion can only last a maximum of 15 minutes before said mum starts to meltdown. They start having the sweats because of the mall crowds, line-ups, and general rudeness of other patrons.
There are also the mums who like shopping too much, and can spend 2-3 hours in one tiny shop trying on everything. Then there was my mum and she was the "just right" shopping buddy. I was Goldilocks and my Mama Bear's Shopping style was perfect. We shopped a lot and that's not to say we spent a lot of money, we just enjoyed looking at things and talking about clothes, fashion and home decor. I could always count on her to head out with me on a whim at any time of the day, as long as she wasn't working.
I start a week's vacation tomorrow and I'm really missing my shopping buddy. My vacation will be at home as I don't have any plans for travel, and I also have an MRI scheduled for this coming week. My two best friends live on the East and West coast of Canada respectively so they can't go shopping with me; and actually neither one of them really enjoys shopping like I do.
I'll go to a couple outlet malls nearby on my vacation. I'll peruse and wander alone for a couple afternoons. I will think of my perfect shopping buddy every time I try something on or come across some fabulous item. It's been 2 years 7 months and 2 days and I still want my shopping buddy back.

The Bachelorette

Who knew that watching the Bachelorette would spark something worthy to write here. One of the guys, Chris, lost his mom, and there is a scene that I just watched where he needs to take Ali on a moped and he is super nervous and cautious. Ali then "tells the camera" how she can imagine that how losing someone can affect how you live your life...as we well know sweets it does. So just needed to share that...
Meg